The 5 Life-Saving Steps To A LinkedIn Post That Will Save The Universe, Make You Better At Sex, And Keep Friends From Being Murdered Article

The 5 Life-Saving Steps To A LinkedIn Post That Will Save The Universe, Make You Better At Sex, And Keep Friends From Being Murdered Article
We’ve all seen them. We’ve all clicked on them. Those pontificate articles proffered forth from alleged uberexperts. Served up in your LinkedIn feed from some epicenter of “outsmarting the game” business utopia.

Don’t you wish YOU could write the Ultimate LinkedIn Article? Well, you’re in luck. Follow these five simple rules and you, too, could be wearing trendy black square-framed glasses in your profile picture:

1. Inflammatory, Misleading, Pandering, Overpromise Of A Headline. Kind of like the one above this article. “Why Profit Will Kill Your CEO” or “Is Death Lurking In Your Company Bathroom?” or “Turn Your Copier Into A Time Machine & Out Future The Competition” or “Get A $50,000 Raise Using Secrets Of The Post-It In 2 Easy Steps” are good examples. Business, schmizness! Follow the National Enquirer’s lead in headline generation!

2. Quirky, Hybridized, Meaningless Company Name. Never be an expert from somewhere like General Motors or Coca-Cola or Apple. No. ALWAYS be from a company with a name like Braingenuity. Or IdeaCandy. Or BikiniRocket. Or SwizzleThink. (Apologies if any of these are actual names of companies.) Basically, just take the words Rocket, Smart, Brains, Think and mix them up like refrigerator magnets. The name of your company should be like the name of a rock band you see in the trendy area of downtown. You know, where they spent three years on the name of the band and three minutes on each of the songs? Whenever possible, make it impossible to understand what business you are in.

3. Proudly Espouse The Exact Opposite Of Common Sense. This sometimes ties back into the headline. “Why You Should Burn Your Home To The Ground” can’t just be paid off with how to buy matches. One must proudly and defiantly espouse their “zig when they zag” thinking which was espoused for the sole, single, and solitary purpose of looking insightful and visionary. And getting LinkedIn article clicks. So, after writing “Why You Should Have An Affair With Your Boss’s Wife On His Desk” then just go admire yourself in the mirror for being able to turn the least applicable headline into a 180 degree rationalization for some benign common sense practice already in use for centuries like “Disagreements can actually lead to a discussion which improves understanding.”

4. Self-Glorifying Totally Unbelievable Anecdote. Name no names. Make murky, vague references to an industry or icon. Pump up your own involvement. Then, lavishly decorate your thin framework of a personal anecdote with totally unbelievable interactions and observations. I recall giving this same advice when I was working for a large cable TV conglomerate. The head of sales came to me with a request after I had increased licensing profits by over a thousand percent in just one year. “Wow. How did you manage that? We had 1000 people working on it day and night.” Smiling, I patted him on the shoulder and said, “Chum, all you needed was a more clearly visible price tag.” There he stood, mouth agape at my simple but powerful genius. Then I was promoted to Assistant Master Of The Universe…

5. End With Pollyannaesque “Belief In Self” Platitude. Bootstraps. Dreams come true. It’s OK to lose—just don’t lose to your own fears. Your attitude makes for accomplishments of magnitude. Inch by inch is a cinch. There are a billion of these out there. Just pick the one that appeals to you most. Because today is a gift, that’s why it’s called “the present.”

It’s not hard to write the Universal LinkedIn Article. All you need are these simple steps to create a veneer of pseudo-intellectual business banter and claptrap that will position you as a demi-god amongst those who worship business banter and claptrap.

You’ll find all the claptrap worshippers at a big motivational seminar. Or on your contacts list.

Tom Gulley is an award-winning writer and journalist who regularly creates brilliant communications for some of the world’s biggest companies. Especially the ones you admire. He’s available for writing, creative strategy, digital communications, talk show hosting, voice talent work, kid’s birthday parties, and free 24-hour Martinizing. And his name never fails to get a big laugh when mentioned in small groups at parties.

 

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